The English language belongs to the Queen and to the south of England.   English has more than 300 million native speakers, almost all of whom presumably live in southern England because this is the only place English is properly spoken!   We tried to lend it to other regions, and even other countries, but this project has ended in linguistic evolution and disaster, with around 1 billion other people now using Our English without permission.   The only solution is to re-call our language from outsiders, or re-name their language Almostenglish, or for us to gain legal power so that we can travel abroad to educate these foreigners in our perfect Proper English Foundation way of speaking.
The Queen’s English is not the property of ANY of the regions marked in red. They are all equal.
[Image released CC-BY-3.0:
"English-speaking world" by PEF Web-Mister]

Extreme ideas, but things cannot go on as they are.   As every good southerner knows,
“I don’t think I have an accent.”
This truism is totally true; our accent is very important to us (or rather, it is not, because we do not have one).   We are rightly shocked that a language with speakers all over the world would diverge from our non-accent and evolve into Weird English, as opposed to “Core English”, which is what the mad Queen’s English Society called their perfect language that is spoken in a small and very perfect region (marked on the map).   Sadly, as one travels ever further from London, one notices that the language becomes ever more different and weird, and one encounters ever weirder people – Cocknies, and... er, we haven’t actually been any further than that yet. [1][2]

But why can’t others speak as we do?   I shall give you the answer plain and simple: laziness!    The prestige dialect around London is our Standard Language because it is the best and clearest way of speaking.   That is the only reason.   The reason is certainly not that London has been the seat of power for centuries, although the standard language
would have sounded very different if the traditional capital city had been Penzance or, let’s say, Glasgow or some other god-forsaken place.    We members of the Queen’s Proper English Club would have accepted this with good grace – but, now that our accent owns English, good grace is unnecessary and we shall simply suppress all regions (apart from the south, which, again, is not a region).

Only Slovenians can be “Slovenly”
The phonetic sounds that we learn to make as children vary from place to place.   We southerners have verbal traits that differ from those in other regions; they are widely-understood traits, due to their presence in the national media, but they are not inherently better.    Likewise, the speech of the Scot or the Lancastrian uses linguistic and grammatical features that have survived in relative isolation for centuries despite being “wrong”, because they aren’t wrong.   “Wrong” is completely the wrong word to use.   The English spoken in reality is much more varied and interesting than the complainers in the Queen’s English Society believe; to expect everybody to imitate your way of speaking, while showing no interest in theirs, is unreasonable and sad.

But, unreasonable and sad though it be, we will do it!   Now that we have the capital (or at least the Home Counties), our quest is almost complete!    The world will collapse unless everyone accepts our single good, clear, polite way of speaking, and f*** those who say that that’s b******s.
A southerner has absolutely nothing to gain from learning about On Ilkla Moor Baht ’At, or the poetry of Robert Burns and his cronies, or Irish literature, or Beowulf, or Northumbrian music, or Cornish culture, or Norn Irish dialect, or the Canterbury Tales, or the Midlands.   But a Brit who travels to Core English-Land has everything to gain by learning English as we, those who speak it well, speak it!   If you learn to talk like us, we will allow you entry to high society (i.e. the Queen’s English Society), but we will not hear a word of your unworthy dialect – we are not philistines or nazis or hermits, but our world would be the poorer if it were made more diverse.

Across the waves
Colonialism brought English to foreign shores: the Americas, Australasia, Scotland, Ireland and Africa.    The reason Britons invaded these countries was NOT exploration or wealth; it was purely linguistic! They wanted to spread the good, clear, nice Queen’s English to other countries where it would be easy to control.  Sadly, it proved anything but!  It could hardly be expected that the language in these regions would be perfect Southern Standard English, but the least for which we could have hoped was that those whom we colonised be comprehensible!
Sadly such an aim lay just out of reach and now one does really have to strain and crane the neck forwards just to glean any sense from the words spoken in Other Regions.

One can explain this with simple geography: an Nigerian is unable to understand an Australian well, just as somebody without an accent is unlikely to be able to hold a meaningful conversation with the Scot or the Australian.    But here at the PEF we hope to overcome such ignorance by getting everyone speaking good, clear English: you don’t have to give up your accent, although that would be a very positive thing to do, and something for which all should strive, in order to thus end the dominance of diverse far-flung regions and of mutual incomprehensibility.

The English-speaking world truly is a baffling rainforest of dialects.    Only once the English language has progressed beyond non-standard forms such as “we has” and weeded-out the unnecessary pieces of slang (while retaining those that add local colour to our trips there) can we build a language together of which truly to be proud.

Until then, however, here are some notes on those “Almost-English” languages spoken by our neighbours, so that we might learn more about their godless cultures. 


Vive la similarité!
 Click below to see our pages on weird mongrelised versions of Almost English:

A Brummie tries to pronounce
something correctly, without success.


Abel Tasman, who spread English to Oceania despite not knowing any.  I  admire his audacity. [pd]


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