(and New-Zealand-ish, but we’ve only included it for convenience and shall try not to mention New Zealand. It’s 12,000 miles away, for goodness’ sake).

The first Australians were gathered by James “Captain” Cook in approximately 1700.  Of course, news travelled more slowly in those days, so it is impossible to look up exactly which century this happened in, but, soon enough, we Brits were transporting our lazy prisoners, and clichés of Australians, to Australia.  We had to give power to either English-speaking convicts or Aboriginal-speaking non-nationals; which would you have chosen?!

In New Zealand something happened with
Māori people, anyway, back to the Australians.  They have been giving birth to little convict infants ever since they arrived, yet many Australians are not descended from these original convicts but from new convicts who arrived after 1945 to help the country “populate or perish”.  24% of Australia’s current population were not born there, with most having been extradited from Europe or Asia.[1]

The Australian language (known as “’Strewth”) is a mixture of wordplay, swearing, and filth, but this simply makes their language more interesting.  It was even approved by the Queens English Society, who hate it when Americans invent new words or use slang or their own accent, so the Aussies must be doing something right by not being American!

On the other hand, there are societies that do not invent enough slang, such as Canadians
, and the QES do not even mention New Zealanders, which means that this dialect officially no longer exists.  And the less said about the Queen’s English Society and their hatred of slang, the better.   All of the above are unimaginative, they barely talk and are incapable of thought, but if any New Zealandi persons want to E.-mail us any of their native insults for arrogant pommie f***ers, do please do that.

The Australians will greet you with ungrammatical terms like “How are you going?” and “Ya flamin’ galaah”.  When they like something, they describe it as “fully sweet as”!  A rose, by any other name, had Shakespeare been an Australian, would have smelt “fully sweet as”, slightly better than what he wrote but still awful.   When Aussies are angry, they “get the shits”, which is as unpleasant as it sounds, and when they get the shits heaps it is even worse!

An Australian radio host unwittingly made the QES chairman, Rhea Williams, sound silly by granting her an interview about the English Academy.   I shall be complaining to the Australian media regulator (Ozcom), because this presenter:

– called her “Rear Williams” as though she was an Alfred Hitchcock film
– took a decidedly irreverential tone with her; surely when an uninformed language enthusiast appears on a news programme, he should expect to meet someone like-minded! John Humphrys rather than Jeremy Paxman.
– put a delay on the phone line that made them interrupt each other

– allowed Williams to demonise English youngster people:
“At the moment, I don’t know what youngsters in Australia are like, but certainly, the way kids speak in England, many of them, is awful; it’s really awful. It’s... Text-Speak, it’s... ungrammatical... It’s just shocking.” [2:25]
Imagine if somebody had generalised in that way about middle-aged or elderly people, from observing the Queen’s English Society.  I don’t know what Australian oldsters are like, but the way elderly people in England talk, many of them, is awful.  It’s... Saga Magazine-Speak, it’s pompous, it’s aggressive, deranged and badl-ypunctuated... I’m just easily-shocked!  This would be attacked as ageism without a second thought!
But luckily the QES aren’t a true representation of our older generation.  Just of idiots.

– The ABC radio “employee” (soon to be an “unemployee” if our way is gotten) also used the banned word “bugbear”!  Our petty complaints are not bugbears but Genuine Concerns For Humanity!   I hate the word bugbear.

– Rhea Williams insulted the proud nation of Birmingham in a silly accent utterly unsuitable for a formal occasion like a radio interview:
“All right, I grew up in a place called Boormingham and they talk like this, and the English is rotten!  All right?  And we say ‘we was’, and ‘we done this’ and ‘me and her went shopping’! [3:55]
Even seeing it written down, I did not understand a word of this. “All right”? “And”? “Shopping”?! Actually, I think she must be a Cockney or an Estuary (without realising it), because she dropped the H when pronouncing “Birmingham”, even though the H obviously belongs there in strict educated usage!

– The presenter claimed that she understood this Birmingham dialect, making her a certifiable language genius, but still a racist for allowing Williams’s self-hatred “on-the-air”. [“in the air”, surely? – Ed.]
– She also allowed Williams to use the horrendous Birmingham slang greeting “cheers” at the end of the interview instead of correcting it, and asked of the title chairman “should that be ‘chairwoman’?”, which is a nonsense word. The syllable “wo” is currently being cast out of English.

Australian convict statistics,
1788-2008 [pd]

Australian humour –
well, I am not laughing!


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