Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales (c1390) is hailed by fools as the best remaining example of literature written in Middle English.   So, Chaucer likes to believe that he is the voice of Middle England, does he?    NO!   The Daily Mail is that.   And it does not propagate his dangerous radically-modern view of diversity in British society either.   He even spelled “Canterbury” incorrectly!   He wrote “Caunterbury”, a ridiculous lack of research.

Chaucer was perhaps seen as a great figure for his times:  Well, leave him there!   There is nothing to be gained from reading The Canterbury Tales nowadays, absolutely nothing.    You have got to move with the times linguistically, and, for all his “forward thinking”, Chaucer did not think about 20th-century readers when he wrote the Tales and ended up sounding more like a Scotsman or a Welsh!   Ridiculous.

Cockney geezer
After much scholarly research, we have concluded that Chaucer was probably a Cockney – he uses the double negative and drops his Hs in the text!.   Actually, most of what he says sounds Cockney to me: incomprehensible, totally unlike how we educated 19th-century people sound.    An example of this is found in The Knightes Tale (apparently the genitive ’s didn’t exist then!):

“And Emelye him loveth so tendrely,
And he hir serveth al-so gentilly,
That never was ther no word hem bitwene
Of Ielousye, or any other tene.
Thus endeth Palamon and Emelye;
And God save al this faire companye! – Amen.”

Ther “never was no word” bitwene them.   Ah, so he means that there was always lots of words bitwene them and fighting!   The word order is also totally wrong here, and if he had been writing in the 2010ties Chaucer would have been mocked for being ignorant: so why is not everyone doing this now?!   This is a great “tene” (annoyance) to us.

The double negative goes back to Old English.  It was considered Standard English until it fell from favour around the 18th century, but now it is only used by detestable curs!  These curs include the persons (like Chaucer) who used double negatives before they were banned!   We in the Proper English Foundation detest this affected olde-fashionedy language and shall imprison those who use it; the Queen’s English Society feel the same, though it appears that the only people who genuinely get confused by double negatives are the QES. [1]

We therefore recommend that the QES spend all of their time gathering examples of double-negative confusion that were actually confusing.  Even one!  Then, when they have found one, they can try to find another.   And another, and so on, forever, so that they will stop bothering other people.

The dropping of Hs is another brutal word-crime of which Chaucer is guilty and he must be posthumously put in jail.   Admittedly he does not actually drop the H, but it is hard to fathom why he writes “an” when he should write “a”:
“an horn”, “an housholdere”, “an Haberdassher”, “an hat”, “an hundred knightes/lordes”, “an hunteresse”, “an housbond”, “an hole”, “an hardy herte”, “an hateful wyf” and “an heir”.
He also had no idea about the correct placement of Es, writing “an halle”, “an hille”, “an hous” and “an hors”.

Mr Chaucer will probably protest that “everybody’s English is the same as mine so I don’t need to try and improve it to the PEF’s standard”, but this is like saying “because everybody uses Es this way and vomits onto the floor, it is acceptable to be sick onto the floor”.   We will endungeonise him all the same, and ensure that nobody reads his woeful book.   Of course, the 14th-century schooling system is ultimately 
to blame, so it will be disbanded. – Amen!


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