Silly Foreign Tongues: FRENCH

French is a language that hoity-toity people often drop into sentences in order to sound raffiné, intello and generally better than you racaille scum.   But, of course, we don’t actually do this, as this is unbearable.[1]   We simply use our superior knowledge of French to prove that your feminist English terminology, lacking masculine or feminine, is inferior, and this totally justifies our unhealthy obsession with the word “sex”.[2]

French has influenced English; naturally this was mainly a bad influence.  Now that English words are cropping up from nowhere in French, the situation is even direr and there is a severe danger that our nations will never be able to return to speaking Old French and Old English!

In order to turn back this tide, we have compiled a list.   À tous les Francophones! All Frenchers must avoid the following words, which they stole from English without understanding the English meaning and the meaning has been lost, making the words pointless!

actuel  This word ought to mean actual, but it is used by the French to mean current!  And actuellement, instead of meaning actually, means currently!  Fools.

  Literally translated, it means “g’day”, thereby logically proving that the French are belligerent, illiterate Australians.   This is astonishing, but the clues were there; why do you think Aussies call Brits “pommes”?

means birthday, a clear example of the French trying to have two birthdays in a year which only the Queen may do.

means to injure.   Trips to Sunday Mass must be a hoot.

(je commande un pizza) means “I order a pizza”.  They still think they’re Napoleon!  An army of pizzas could ravage our territory any day now.

means to appoint, a corruption of the Anglo-Saxon word designer

la journée
means the day, which is the French way of reducing travel costs by staying in all day

faux amis
is derived from the English hunting phrase “why is my fox amiss?”   Nowadays it describes French phrases that confuse arrogant PEF members.

means condoms, which is why the people at the jam shop looked at me funny.   They said that I was sex-mad, but then I retorted by saying: «Aha, but you French persons have reflexive verbs that add a dangerous s’ to a verb that already begins with ex-, such as s’expliquer, s’exprimer, s’exciter and s’excuser, all of which mean I myself am sex pervert, ah?», whilst sticking my chin out like Vinz Cassel, but they didn’t understand what I said, even though I put on a very convincing French accent.

A British person.

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