Silly Foreign Languages: GERMAN

The first written record of the German language dates from 1545 when Martin Luther wrote the Bible, plagiarising an earlier work.   Luther got away with this rip-off scotch-free, because he used a brand new language that common people could understand (Deutsch): the Pope tried to fight back by shouting well-constructed Latin sentences at the Lutherans, but it was too late: German existed.

The language is called Deutsch, which is not the same as Dutch, though it is related to Dutch.  I don’t understand it, but these languages are all similar to English.   They must have copied our style. [1]

They have also stolen some of our words, as you will see now unless you are of a nervous disposition!  Germans think loan words are “cool”, which is one of the words they nicked from us
which we nicked from Yanks – but loan words aren’t cool at all, in fact they’re totally “mies”, which is how Germans say “rubbish” instead of speaking English like they ought to.

After is a perfectly innocuous word that we can use in all sorts of English sentences: “after some time”, “aftershave”, etc.  But German-speakers have shaken all the original meaning out of the word After, and changed its meaning to anus!  What the Teufel were they playing at?!

ought to mean actual and actually, but to these confused Germans it means current and currently!  Where do they get it from?

Of course, the Germans also misuse this word; instead of denoting a “sport hall” as Zeus intended, a German Gymnasium is a “grammar school”!  What fools, leading the word away from its original meaning!   An unforgivable corruption of our Greek word gymnasium, which obviously meant... “place to be naked”.  Oh.

means poison.   This must make German Christmas parties awful, though not as bad as an English after-party.

means crap.   This must make misty days even worse than an after-party.

: a person from Hamburg... That makes no sense.

means what, war means was, fast Food means almost food, I mean, what on Earth is this?  I know it’s a foreign language, but there was no need for them to go über Bord with this confusing Quatsch.

: It will not have escaped your notice that many English-speakers use the indefensible word, “yeah”.   We prefer “no”.   If you ever say “yeah”, it is a symptom of what we call “chlymidiyeah”, though the General Medical Council are still loath to recognise this as a real disease.   It has struck Germans particularly badly, with their tendency completely to drop the s from yes disgracefully!   Some of them can’t even spell “yeah” correctly: they write “ja”, and yet they do not pronounce even this the right way, saying the J with a sort of Y-noise indicative of a poor education.   (Monetarily poor, I mean.)
This whole débâcle is totally against the YES of the Queen, who is after all a German economic migrant, technically.   Why cannot her compatriots follow her example?!

Next language to avoid: Español >
Gibberish, spoken in Gibber

See also
Bernard Lamb, a biologist who introduced the amusing new disease “gonna-rrhoea” which people are infected with if they say 
gonna, har har har.
You’re a scientist! This is not scientific!
Lamb is also believed to believe that a person has “genital whats” if they say “what” instead of “that which”, and “her-pes” if they say “him or her” instead of the much better and more sexist “him or he”.   And dont forget “Eh?ds”!!! Christ. My sides have split.


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