This is our dungeon where we keep our ENEMIES: people who committed the sin of not properly speaking – even before we bound and gagged them!   Is that in bad taste?   Of course not; it is the type of hilarious joke that Lynne Truss would make.   Or are you nervous because of the mad glint in my eye that suggests that I really would like to imprison non-Queen’s-English-speaking guttersnipes?
Well, read on, and find out how serious I really am. 

  New in 2011! Fear them.
  Where English started going wrong
  Daily Mail journo contradicts self
  They shant give me orders
  Smashy smashy
  Columnist and prophet
  How the author got his humble cake
  Me and him gets on badly  I can’t believe what I’m reading  Dante and Homer suck  Appalling language in this film  Shouldnt be on this list, but they are  The enemies of knowledge and learning  I dont think he even wrote his plays, which are terrible by the way  Turn off your telly

For the last word on abusers of English, let us listen to the Queen’s English Society’s wise words:  we must not be too harsh on those who make mistakes.

[Pedants, who are crows,] do not themselves care much about English one way or the other but, oh what fun it is to scrabble around to find some comma or hyphen to hold on high with a cackle of triumph.  [...]   Yes ‘these people’ at QES are human and even they are not above making mistakes but they have nevertheless taken the trouble to compose tens of thousands of words of helpful information and advice for the many other people out there who will be grateful to have a source of information on matters of English usage that worry them. [1] [2]

Of course, the QES were only defending their
own errors.    They didn’t mean that we should forgive doctors, newspapers or Shakespeare when they do anything wrong.   Only FULLY PAID-UP MEMBERS of the Queen’s English Society may be forgiven!

And when the QES “scrabble around” to find misplaced apostrophes to worry people, that’s fine, because they are the QES, and, unlike any of the above, they actually try to help.    They saw what Telegraph journalist Ben Farmer had written about Afghanistan: “women can only seek work, education or doctor’s appointments with their husband’s permission.”[3]   Of course, the QES were struck by how tragic this was: their first reaction was to say that the apostrophes were misplaced, completely ignoring the content (for who cares about women or Afghans? Or women Afghans?!).


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