KNOW YOUR ENEMY: ALL NEWSPAPERS


Newspapers are essentially a waste of good trees which would be put to much better use as paper scrolls that could inform people of current events.    The occasional spelling errors and misplaced apostrophes may not seem like much to you, but I can make neither hind nor tail of that which newspapers write!   It’s awful.   And I am certainly not just making a fuss to gain attention and get into the paper with my stupid language academy prank.   Not at all.

The first, and most recent, AWFUL HEADLINE that I have seen, is:
FREDDY STARR ’ATE MY HAMSTER
Why, oh why, must tabloids shout everything in capital letters at the top of the page?   It is very low-class and not something any self-respecting person would do.
But this is not the only problem: this Cockney rag missed off the third-person s and left the headline incomplete!  Its meaning was even different. The correct version would, of course, have read
Freddy Starr ’ates my ’amster”,
with the Cocknies insisting on dropping every single H.  This is a deliberate affront to my sanity, and a tribute to Geoffrey Chaucer, who in many ways was the first tabloid journalist.
If Mr Starr did indeed hate an hamster, this is a personal matter and it should not be splattered all over our newsstands in bad English.

News journalists also coin ridiculous terms like “WAG”, a simply senseless acronym invented to save a few inches’ worth of ink.    What is more, it obliterates anyone who thinks of himself as a bit of a “wag” – wit having no place in the tabloids.   And what does it mean?    “Wife and girlfriend” – two things that it is impossible simultaneously to be!   Had the phrase “footballers’ wives” really become so silly as to be un-useable?
As a counter-measure, this Academie would impel all publications to start using our new acronym, “Fwife”.    Should they refuse to do so, we would have to force the England team to stay celibate in future, to enable them to concentrate on the match, instead of what to name their Fwife.

The solution to all of this sloppy slop is not to ban newspapers – they have the freedom of the press – but some voluntary closures would be an ideal compromise.   Or another possibility would be an enforced delay on the delivery of newspapers; we should give subeditors an extra day to check their spelling and grammar.     The news would arrive 24 hours late, but at least my breakfast would not be ruined by my murderous rage at discovering a “mis-speeling”, though papers would still be published 7 days a week.

Of course, none of this affects the Daily Mail, whose articles mostly seem to have been written about 70 years ago.   Very wise; letting their opinions mature.

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See also
Laura Clark
Ben Farmer (below Menu)
– SOTCAA on Garry Bushell


















Rooney: needs a Fwife.

 

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