Words Which Are Used Wrongly: SEX


(destined to be the most-visited page on the whole website.    And the most disappointment-inducing.    Well, good!)

Sex
is a word whose meaning nobody truly understands apart from me.   When the average thick man on the street is asked, “About what do you think when you hear the word, ‘sex’?”, he answers not “The separation of males from females”, but “The unifying of the man and of the womyn in the sexy world of inter-course”, which is completely the opposite of the meaning we intended!    If one more person laughs at me on the street because of this, I swear I shall give him sex-realignment surgery right there and then!

Of course, the correct meaning of “sex” (at least among my peers), has nothing to do with teasing, squeezing and general horseplay.    We use only the Genetic meaning: one “sex” is male, the other “sex” female.    The rumpy-pumpy meaning is WRONG.
Genetics is the only field to which I afford more importance than I do to English, since without genetics and breeding there would be no pedantry, and no way of creating the next generation of pedants.

But what can we pedants do if we want to reproduce?    First of all, we must court and marry a nice girl who can tell the difference in spelling between “court” and “caught”: after all, they don’t sound even remotely similar, and anyone whose spelling is iffy (ify?) is useless and no son of mine shall marry her.

But, come the night of the, er, “sex” as idiots call it, what can we call it without betraying our principles?   Well, there are dozens of nice clear alternatives.   Simply turn to your bride and murmur, “Oh Gertrude, would you like to engage in some...”
– making lovemaking
– enjoyable groans
– face-to-face blaspheming
– seabird impersonations
– ungentlemanly contract
– passive poking
– flannelle
– spreading the unease
– bush-whacking
– tossing the caber (Scotland only)
– Flashprance
– hurdling a very low hurdle
– a Sweaty Gainsbourg
– blancmange
– oh dear, I’ve lost it
– shelf misuse

I got this idea from the Queen’s English Society, so blame them. [1][2]

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See also
Womyn is a gender



 
We apologise for printing such filthy images on our website. (Of course, these symbols really mean “upside-down church tower” and “gale-force wind”, and anybody who finds them filthy is wrong and must be cleansed.)
 

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