Silly Foreign Languages: SPANISH

In examining and castigating the Spanish language, let us first examine this silly Spanish word “Spaniard”.   Could they not have picked a word that was less confusable with the word “spaniel”?

The same goes for the Frenchmen of the Alsace region (“Alsacians”) and shepherds from Germany, who wilfully ignore our British dog hounds alsatians and German shepherds respectively.   (Some Alsacians are also German-speaking shepherds – these are the worst offenders of all!)   From now on, those who tend German sheep must be named “sheep-gatherers” to avoid confusion, and Alsacian people will be re-named “Lesbians”.

Spaniards bark away in Spanish blissfully unaware that their language is already dead, or muerto, due to the dominance of Bad Spanish.  Our rules are disobeyed, the Spanish Academy (a young upstart) is allowed to print dictionaries and make slight adjustments, and English words (anglicisms) are sometimes borrowed, including:

anglicismo: This is the first word that demonstrates the destructive power of English to sully the purity of pure Core Spanish which is the same the world over.  The pure way for a Spaniard to write anglicismo would actually be inglacismo, because England is Inglaterra and the rest follows logically.  The Royal Academy of Español must hate Spanish.

(mente) means current and currently, similar to French and German.  They’re all wrong, these foreign word-perverters.  We Anglophones would never pervert words.

Double negatives
, which are vile and used by poorer people than us, are always used in Spanish, where they are seen as “not that bad” and even “a Standard logical device that is part of formal texts”.   No he nada means I don’t got nuffink; this is really how they talk!  Why isn’t anyone stopping them?!

is a brand of drink from the USA, which is bad enough, but if you look in any Spanish dictionary you will see that the Spaniards have given the words cocacola the meaning “cocaine-tail”, as a petty attempt to undermine the drink’s purveyors!  How petty.

is what the Spaniards call the common cold, disobeying the rules of English once again.   But this loan word has backfired spectacularly on them: whenever they go to the chemist’s to buy cough medicine, they always, every single time, purchase laxatives by accident!  A most amusing tragedy.

(embarrassed) is a similar True Friend that will never abandon us when we seek comedy.   If a Spanish woman falls pregnant, he is sadly compelled to exclaim, “O madre mía!  Yo estoy embarazada”, which means both “I’m pregnant” and “I’m embarrassed”.   In fact, it doesn’t mean “I’m embarrassed” at all, but do be careful on holiday.   The Spanish word protección means penis clamp, so don’t ask for that.

: Yes, I know it looks like a word describing a mole who has gained fame as a great singer, but this verb actually means annoy or bother.

The Spanish Academy: the nice version of the Académie française and the Inquisition [pd]

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